The truth about shame

When my family was returning to Canada after living in East Africa for 2 years, I decided to reduce our luggage in a very Canadian way – having a garage sale! We had no garage, but there was a tiny empty guard hut in front of our building that could display our meagre supply of items. I wanted it to be fun for the neighborhood kids who, for a shilling or two, would be able to buy some little toy they wouldn’t otherwise have access to.

My neighbor, Mama D, knocked on our door the day before the sale and asked for first pick. I let her have a couple of prize items (she would have taken everything). The next day, she was first in line. “Mama,” I pleaded, “This is only for the children.” She insisted. I stood my ground. She left. She never spoke to me again. I just didn’t get it, even after living there 2 years: I had shamed her in front of her children.

In that culture, if the truth could cause embarrassment, or if someone might lose face by its telling, then it was either softened or left unspoken. If I went to a shop to pick up what had been promised to me at that time and it wasn’t ready, the repairman would lie, “Maybe tomorrow,” never “We don’t have the parts.” He could not lose face by failing to meet my expectations. At first, I was upset at constantly being misled, then I excused it because of the gentle nature of the people, and finally I landed on it being a social norm that sanctioned lying.

At the time, I didn’t consider how my neighbor and the repairman saw me (rude? blunt? shameless?). Since then, I’ve learned more about “honor-shame cultures” and about my own Western “guilt culture.” According to www.honorshame.com, “though honor-shame is the primary ‘operating system’ for 80% of the world, it remains a significant blind spot in Western culture, theology, and missiology.” I’ve been fascinated and horrified to see public shaming explode in Western social media, revealing that shame is in fact universal.

At the same time, I’ve realized that we Westerners are deficient in how we honor people and honor God. We honor children above parents, and we can’t really get into bowing reverently with our faces to the floor and behinds in the air 5 times daily. Meanwhile, Muslims can’t comprehend that we would dishonor God by believing He would allow Himself to be shamed by hanging naked on a cross.

One thing I know: “Everyone who believes in Him will not be put to shame.” The Father laid Jesus in Zion as a “stone of stumbling and a rock of offense,” and that very offense was His cornerstone (Isa 28:16; Ro 9:33, 10:11; 1 Pe 2:6). Jesus also exposed the Father to shame in the story of “The Prodigal Son” by comparing Him to a Middle Eastern patriarch running, robes flapping, to embrace his filthy failure of a son.

The unaccountable thing is that Jesus became a shame to redeem all of us shameful filthy failures. The Father came running to embrace us and give us a ring and robe and make us into “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that [we] may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called [us] out of darkness into His marvelous light” (1 Pe 2:9). 

Lord, help us embody Your love and acceptance without exercising Your sole right to judge.

Holy Spirit, stir up desire in Muslims to know Your higher ways. Help us do our part by proclaiming Your excellencies, opening the Bible to them and living our lives before them free from shame.